Are you KIDDING ME?!?!?

There was this little voice in the back of my head that TOLD me to not get excited.  To wait for the other "shoe" to fall.  Everyone around me told me to not worry.
Tuesday 3/6 was the WORST day of my life so far.
I need to get this down so I can close this in my heart.  If I start to cry again, I won't be able to stop.  I can't scream anymore because I scared my precious 3 year old son Michael.
I went to my regular OB appointment to check on the baby to make sure all was good.  Michael had to come with me because he woke up late and we were running late.  A nagging feeling in my heart that I didn't want him there, but I had no choice at this point.
Dr. Bankston wasn't able to hear a heartbeat with the Doppler in the room, and she didn't act worried but I knew then.
Back to the sonogram room we went to hopefully find the hiding heartbeat.  It was 170+ on my last appointment and my HGC levels were high.  So why would this end like the others.

It did. 

There was no heartbeat, just a baby.  I held it in pretty good until the nice lady left the room to go get the doctor.  Forgetting for a moment that my precious son Michael was in the room, I lost it.  I was screaming, kicking and pretty much having a complete mental break down.  Once I heard Michael cry I was brought back to reality and quickly scooped him up in my arms.  At this point they were back in the room and had Michael whisked out to play with the front office staff.
I was DEVASTATED!  I was ANGRY!  I was PISSED the FUCK off! I wanted to jump out the 4th floor window.
I was having a hard time getting through to Mike, so I called my boss.  I needed Someone to come and rescue Michael from my nightmare and take him to school and away from crazy mommy at that point.
I have the best boss on the planet.  She dropped everything she was doing and came and got Michael for me.
Mike finally called me back and I was inconsolable.   He rushed out of work and to me.  Me in my hysterical self.  I have gone through this 3 times in just one year. THREE times.  You would think I would be ok.  This was by far the WORST emotional blow of my life.  It felt worse than when I lost my dad, and that was a pretty crappy day.
After Mike got there and tried as he could to console me the doctor came in. But not before a good majority of her staff had come in to give me big hugs.   I loved this office before, but I have a new deep love for all of them after this.  Even my doctor who cried with me. 
I had to go and have a D&C to remove the baby.  Because I was 13 weeks at that point I was lucky I guess you could say, because another week or two I would have had to go through labor & delivery and I don't know mentially if I could survive that.    I asked her, pleaded with her to schedule it as soon as possible.  Mentally I needed it over at that point so emotionally I could move on. 
This morning at 830, my tiny precious baby was removed .  I had massive bleeding and thank goodness responded to the medication and am ok.  As ok as I can be, I guess.
Tonight I actually feel pretty good physically.  Mentally is a WHOLE other story.  I am really, really REALLY trying not to cry again because if I do I will not be able to stop.
I know God has a purpose and a plan and I know God has another precious baby to raise down here, I just can't see why I have to have these trials.
I do appreciate Michael more.  If it were not for my son right now, I would be in the hospital under heavy medications for major depression.
I have happy pills, and I am ok to say I will be needing to take them for awhile.  I don't know if I will EVER get over losing this baby.  This baby touched my heart.  THIS baby made me hope again.  THIS baby wasn't supposed die.
But per the advise of my WONDERFUL doctor, who strongly encouraged us to seriously start trying again in just 2 months believe it or not, and because my mind is clearer today and vowing yesterday to NEVER try and get pregnant again we will. 
But unfortunately for any of you outside of Dallas, even Dallas friends may not know.  I didn't show with Michael until the end so this one will be hidden.   I am sure you all can understand.    You will not know about a baby until I share a birth announcement.  Because at that point, I will allow my heart to get excited. 
Thank you to all my wonderful friends and family for your kind words.  I know it's difficult to know what to say in a time like this.

I found this on the internet tonight.
Dr. Amos: No, that's uncommon. Once you see the fetal heart beat above 100 beats per minute your risk of having a miscarriage is well below 10%.


Member question: I had a miscarriage after seeing a healthy baby with 150 heart beats at seven weeks. Since development was apparently good but I ended up having a miscarriage four weeks later, what are some possible causes?


Dr. Amos: Most cases of early miscarriages, likely well over 60%-70%, are due to chromosomal anomalies. Doing a chromosome count on the fetus can help you better identify the cause. Unfortunately, many doctors do not do this test, so it's impossible to know exactly what happened. And if this was the only miscarriage, you chances having a healthy baby after the next pregnancy are excellent.

Nice to know.  I had an ruptured ectopic back in August (rare) and now I am in the 10% after hearing a STRONG heartbeat and seeing a live, moving, growing baby.
Doesn't make me feel better, that is for sure.    But I like to be in the minority!  lol
We will get the pathology back hopefully tomorrow or friday.  I don't know if we will ever know the reason medically that this happened.  I hope they are able to tell me, but it in no way will make it better for me.  Only knowing that they are in the loving arms of Heavenly Father watching over me.... THAT makes it easier!