Missing my Sister

 

Who would have thought I would ever say this, but I MISS MY SISTER.  I really do.  I don't know if or when I will ever fully comprehend that she isn't here anymore.  Jennifer passed away almost 6 months ago, and everytime I think about Jenn I get really upset.  As you can imagine I don't really allow myself to go there much.  I just am not ready yet. I just feel really strongly that I need to write this down and share my thoughts.

I still have a lot of regret for not being there for Jennifer and having a falling out that resulted in us not really talking for about the last 8 months or so she was alive.  I know she forgives me, the ME forgiving myself is something that still to this day I can not do. 

At Jennifer's funeral I didn't recognize her in her casket.  I have been here in Dallas for almost 3 years and I hadn't seen her other than photos on facebook since then.   A part of me wonders if we had stayed in Vegas if I could have prevented this.  If I could have helped her. 

Jennifer had her struggles, but I am sure she didn't know that Mike & I moved to Vegas so I could build a better relationship with her.  That is something that I will be forever grateful for.  I have 5 years where I can say that she helped me and I hope that I helped her. 

It's just surreal to think that Jennifer is DEAD.  Jennifer and dead together just doesn't make sense to me.  I took the death of our dad pretty hard, but losing Jennifer made my dad's experience a cake walk.  

I will be honest and say because of my guilt I haven't been able to reach out to Jorge and the boys like I want to and NEED to.  I promised them and myself that I would call weekly.  I have called them maybe 3 or 4 times.  That is unacceptable, and I really need to figure this all out.

I have thought about actually going and talking to someone.  I am afraid of the emotions that will come. 

After Jennifer died I had A LOT of questions.  Religious questions.  This has NEVER happened before.  I NEEDED to know where she was, was there a heaven and most importantly will I SEE here again.  I read alot.  Surprisingly during this time Barbara Walters did a 20/20 special on "Where is Heaven"  and it was really comforting to watch and hear that amongst all the religions in the world we all share the same belief in heaven.  So there must be some hope that it does exist.

 

I find myself randomly talking to Jennifer asking her for guidance and peace.  This is why I know she has forgiven me.  I feel it.  She probably is surprised at how her passing has affected me and the struggles with it that I am going through.

I would give ANYTHING to have her back.  I would give ANYTHING to go back 4 years and try and make her change her decision to have that damn surgery.    I would give ANYTHING to pick up the phone and say I LOVE YOU Jenn.

But since I can't change ANYTHING, and I know this was God's plan and no matter what happened in the past, Jennifer was meant to go back home on April 9, 2012 regardless of ANYTHING.

I also know that Jennifer has a hand in what is happening to me now and I know that with the sweet baby girl we lost in March, I have a bigger guardian angel in my sister.