We all go through trials in our lives. Some greater than others, some where you look to God and feel like you’re constantly asking “Why?” And in my case the past 3 years I felt like I was constantly holding up my white flag saying “uncle”. But by the grace of God and through his atonement, righteous living will be rewarded with personal peace.
I have stood back in somewhat amazement the
past year or so about what I have been asked to talk about and teach in
church. Let me first explain why. We are not the most “active” LDS family like
we should. We haven’t been at church
every week, we honestly seem to have lost our way. Roadblocks put in place by I am sure the
adversary to take us down the wrong road and direction. But no matter that we were not at church for
a month or so we always keep our faith and belief in God.
Last year we had just moved into a
“temporary” home to prepare to buy our current house. So the ward was “temporary” in my mind and
honestly I had planned on continuing to go to our previous Richardson
ward. SURPRISE, after 1 week I was asked
to teach in Relief Society. – I am NOT A
TEACHER nor do I profess to be knowledgeable enough to attempt such a request. Without hesitation – ok, a slight PAUSE I
said yes without even knowing what I was asked to teach. Just like being asked to speak today, I have
to acknowledge the hand of our savior because I again what on earth do I have
to share with all of you.
But again the topic is very personal for me
and my family.
Every one of us – young and old have life
experiences. Things that will either
break our faith or build our faith.
For I want to say close to 2 ½ years my
family has gone through what could easily have broken anyone’s faith. But for us, and me personally – it has
brought me closer to our savior – but it was a VERY rough journey.
A few years ago Mike and I decided we were
ready to have another baby and add to our family. Our son Michael was 3 and it was time to give
him a sibling and a playmate. We had no
problems with having Michael so honestly didn’t think anything of it and went
about adding to our family.
One ruptured ectopic later, dusted ourselves
off to try again. Assured the likely
hood of another ectopic, miscarriage or loss is LOW we preceded about our
business.
You can imagine how happy we were as we rang
in 2012 with the announcement to EVERYONE we were pregnant. Things weren’t going smoothly but we were
pregnant, there was a heartbeat and baby was growing.
I had a doctor’s and it fell on a
Monday. All weekend I had this feeling
that I shouldn’t take Michael. Michael
was 3; I would never even consider bringing him to such an appointment
anyway. But ALL weekend I had this
feeling. Well Monday morning Michael was
having a hard time waking up, we were running late so I thought fine, I will
bring him and drop him off at preschool after.
A voice like I am talking to you tells me – YOU DON’T WANT HIM
THERE. You know what my response
was? What could possibly happen if he is
there? I have never in my life had a
voice so loud and obvious warn me; tell me something before so I thought I was
just being paranoid.
But I will never ignore such promptings
again.
We lost our little girl that day. – That was a VERY bad day.
No more than a month after losing our little
girl, I got a call from my mom that shook the very foundation of my faith. My sister – 42 years young passed away
Easter night in her sleep and her 11 year old son found her.
I was at my lowest point with our Heavenly
Father because I was still healing over our baby and now this. This was #3 in less than 9 months.
Events
often occur that rob us of peace and heighten our sense of vulnerability. Yah think??
We
went on to lose a total of 5 babies, a medical diagnosis that pretty much
sealed our fate as to having another child of our own, but looking at all that
has happened, being able to dust myself off after each and every lost baby and
within a few days firmly believing that God does indeed have a purpose and a
plan and I agreed to weather these trials I went about being a wife and mommy
to our one and only miracle – Michael. The death of my sister brought out a yearning
– NEEDING for answers and knowing I will and would see her again. Was her death unexpected – honestly no. But with her death I was spiritually at odds
at just how much the Lord thought I could possibly handle.
Elder Quentin L. Cook in the April 2013
General Conference spoke this perfectly:
Agency is
essential to the plan of happiness. It allows for the love, sacrifice, personal
growth, and experience necessary for our eternal progression. This agency also allows for all the pain and
suffering we experience in mortality, even when caused by things we
do not
understand and the devastating evil choices of others. The very War in Heaven
was waged over our moral agency and is essential to understanding the Savior’s
earthly ministry
We
all long for peace. Peace is not just safety or lack of war, violence, conflict,
and contention. Peace comes from knowing that the Savior knows who we are and
knows that we have faith in Him, love Him, and keep His commandments, even and
especially amid life’s devastating trials and tragedies. The Lord’s answer to
the Prophet Joseph Smith in Liberty Jail brings solace to
the heart:
In
D&C 121 vs 7-8 it reads:
7 My son, apeace be unto thy soul; thine badversity and thine afflictions shall
be but a csmall moment;
8 And then, if thou aendure it well, God shall exalt
thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy bfoes.
Prophets have
declared that peace has indeed been taken from the earth.11 Lucifer has not yet been
bound and exercises power in this dominion.
Seriously, nearly 3 years of non-stop struggles, nothing
going the way “we” planed and feeling like we were just never going to catch a
break. I am not going to lie; losing
each and every baby was like and felt like we lost a living child. It was beyond agony and beyond comprehension
how the Lord thought we were strong enough to continue to weather this
storm. It was one after another with our
family.
Was I in constant emotional turmoil? NO!
Could I have been? Heck
Yeah! Was I going to let it destroy me
and my family – NO!
We all
participated in the councils of heaven that provided for moral agency, knowing
that there would be mortal pain and even unspeakable tragedy because of the
abuse of agency. We understood that this could leave us angry, bewildered,
defenseless, and vulnerable. But we also knew that the Savior’s Atonement would
overcome and compensate for all of the unfairness of mortal life and bring us
peace. Elder Marion D. Hanks had a framed statement on his wall by Ugo
Betti: “To believe in God is to know that all the rules will be fair, and that
there will be wonderful surprises.”
Even on my worst days, when nothing was going
the way we planned I never doubted that I agreed to go through these
trials. That God asked me and I eagerly
joined the many of you for this journey we call life.
When my sister died, I was rocked to my very religious core. At THAT moment < not when my dad died, not when one month before, we lost our little girl> I felt so inadequate in my knowledge in the gospel and in God’s plan. I know I did more searching for answers and truth because of her passing. I found this amazing book – THE BIRTH WE CALL DEATH – A COMFORTING TRUTH. I learned that the sorrow we taste with the loss of a loved one can be bitter or sweet, depending on one thing – KNOWLEDGE. The simple pure knowledge which the restored gospel gives each and every one of us. That knowledge reveals our purpose here on earth.
So
how do we find peace when nothing seems to be going right or maybe they are
going right?
Can
we find peace by how much money is in our bank account? Or how about that new house we just
bought? Or the new super cool LEGO set
you just spent a couple hours putting together?
NONE
OF THESE CAN offer you true peace and everlasting happiness.
During all my trials and heartache, I always
put my faith in the Lord. I remember
saying these words EACH AND EVERY TIME “God has a purpose and a plan, I may not
understand but it’s not for me to”
A former Mutual Teacher and neighbor who I
still keep up with on Facebook posted a link to a story from a blog titled – GOD WILL GIVE YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN HANDLE: I GUARANTEE IT.
The writer is struggling after the recent
death of her father. I would like to
share a little of what she wrote with you:
And
even with a firm testimony of the gospel and with peace that he is exactly
where the Lord prepared him for, it is still too much for me to handle at
times. It steals my breath–and it can steal my joy.
So, the other day,
I turned to the scriptures. I needed help.I wanted to know where that phrase was that people kept repeating to me in church and at work and over the phone. Why did the Lord “trust me so much”?! Why did He think I could handle these kinds of trials?
And then I realized: I couldn’t find that quote because it isn’t there.
It never mentions anywhere in the scriptures that the Lord won’t give you more than you can handle. Yes, in 1 Corinthians 10:13 it speaks of Him giving us an escape from temptations so that it’s not too much to bear. But when it comes to pain, trials, heartache, and burdens– not once does it say it won’t be more than we can bear. Instead, it beautifully says this instead:
“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me…for my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matt. 11: 28-30)
The
words struck my heart, as you can imagine. Christ is speaking to those of us
who are carrying burdens much too heavy for our own shoulders. And in that one
verse he simply states the reason why we are given more than we can handle:
It’s so we can come to him. It’s so we can trust him enough to hand over
our heavy, crippling burdens and let him carry the load.
I read this OVER AND OVER with tears
streaming down my face. And it hit
me. As crazy as it is for me to say, I
never ONCE got on my knees and asked for him to carry the load. I didn’t ask for his help, I didn’t ask. I didn’t know I could.
Repentance
and living righteously allow for peace of conscience, which is essential
for contentment.
As
another favorite Church hymn puts it, “I’ll drop my burden at his feet and bear
a song away.”
The
Church is a refuge where followers of Christ attain peace. Some young people in
the world say they are spiritual but not religious. Feeling spiritual is a good
first step. However, it is in the Church that we are fellowshipped, taught, and
nourished by the good word of God. More importantly, it is priesthood authority
in the Church that provides for sacred ordinances and covenants that bind
families together and qualify each of us to return to God the Father and Jesus Christ in the
celestial kingdom. These ordinances bring peace because they are covenants with
the Lord
The Savior
is the source of true peace. Even with the trials of life,
because of the Savior’s Atonement and His grace, righteous living will be
rewarded with personal peace. In the intimate setting of the Passover chamber,
the Savior promised His Apostles that they would be blessed with the
“Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost” and then uttered these important words:
“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth,
give I unto you.”
I want to share an experience I had back in
November. An experience that I don’t
feel worthy of having, but one that I KNOW the Lord needed me to have. I had just lost our last and final attempt at
a baby and we were about to lose our dream home. I was at a very vulnerable point. I
wrote it in my journal so I would not EVER FORGET.
I have NEVER
had anything close to this experience and I hope to again at some point in my
life at just the right time like today.
I
went on explaining about our journey to have a family and the heartbreak, the
struggles of losing my sister and an uxexpected hospital trip for little
Michael.
Anyone
buying a home knows the stress involved. Until the papers are
signed anything and everything could go wrong. We haven't had the best of
luck so I hold no hope of that changing.
We ended up losing that home which brought us to our current home.
Today
after work, I had to stop and get gas. I was on fumes. There is a
gas station right on the corner by my work. I have NEVER stopped there
before. It's kind of sketchy and I just honestly just never felt
safe. But today I stopped. I had just started filling up and
kind of just making a mental note of my surroundings. There was a young man
approaching me. "oh great," I thought "he wants to sell me
something". I couldn't have been more wrong.
This young
man, who I had NEVER seen before, didn't know him from anyone else there at the
gas station told me that he was prompted to come talk to me. That I
needed to know that everything with the house was going to be fine and work
out. He told me that God knows everything I have been through recently
and he has never left me. He understands the pain in my heart and that
there is a plan and a purpose. He then asked me if I had any
children. He said that all the medical concerns that just came up will
all be fine and that your son would be ok. And that God understood the
pain I have been going through about the loss of "your children" has
been a hard burden on me and my soul. But that I needed to know that God knows
all this and God has NEVER left me. That the Holy Ghost is here
and is watching over me.
By this
point, I am trying to hold my composure because I am speechless, stunned and
the cynic in me is checking to make sure my car is locked and I am still aware
of my surroundings.
He takes
my hand and prays. Again saying things that there is NO WAY he should
know. NO WAY. I am in tears.
I tell him
he has no idea, NO IDEA what impact he has just had on me. That these
words were what my heart has needed to hear.
That my
heartache and struggles WERE seen and that he knew that my soul needed this
young man to step outside of himself and come talk to a sad looking woman
filling up her car with gas on a cold Wednesday night in Dallas, Texas.
The lyrics to Hilary Weeks song – A BEAUTIFULHEARTBREAK sums it up perfectly.
Every fear, every doubt, All the pain I went through;
Was the price that I paid to see this view;
And now that I'm here I would never trade...
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights;
I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.
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