I am not going to lie or sugar coat my feelings on the past 24+ hours. I HATE losing my sister. I HATE that this happened, and I HATE that the past month for me has been one emotional roller coaster after another.
My big sister, Jennifer Ann Baker Marquez passed away Monday 4/9 in her sleep. Jennifer was only 42 years old.
The last words she said to me were last Monday 4/2 yelling Happy Birthday to me on the phone from my mom's house. Before that, I spoke to her in August 2011. For that no amount of words, comfort or reassurance in my heart will give me comfort or peace. Because before that conversation we hadn't spoken in quite some time. Because I was stubborn, selfish and STUPID!
Because right now, right this very second I would give everything to pick up the phone and talk to my sister.
Jennifer by her own admission, she wasn't the easiest person to get along with, but she was my sister. And I always admired her strength in the gospel and her testimony in the Lord and in our Savior.
I admired that she put family first. She gave up her profession to stay home and be a mommy. Something after I had Michael, I learned that I didn't have the ability nor the want to do. Don't get me wrong. I love my son more than my life itself, but I learned after I had a year of being a stay at home mom how hard it was and how alone I felt. I needed my independence and my "self" back. Jennifer gave that up without thought to give her boys her 100% attention.
I know God has a purpose and a plan. Wow, it sounds like I have said that before.... like a month ago. But damn it, I don't need anymore lessons.
Call your siblings. Tell your brothers or sisters you love them. Tell your spouse you love them. Bury any hard feelings you have towards your family. No amount of comfort for me right now is going to make me feel any better. Only time.
Our family is headed out to Las Vegas, and because of the kind generosity of the WONDERFUL people at my work, we are able to do so without the financial burden.
I truly have amazing co-workers, friends who have said and done some pretty amazing things for my family.
I have also seen the out pouring of love for Jennifer among her friends.
I will post photos/details of her funeral in the next week or so.
Jennifer, I know I didn't say this much but I LOVED YOU!!
Janine, I just want you to know I am thinking of you. I lost my younger (and only) brother last June. It is hard. I just keep thinking of what he would want me to do. I know it doesn't help but I know that because of things you have posted that Jennifer would not want you to live with regret. There is nothing wrong with the decision to work... I have been amazed at all the things you do with Michael and the opportunities that you give him. I will be thinking of your family. It is going to be a hard year for you but remember that you have the opportunity to do what is necessary to to be with her again. My prayers are with you. Wish I could be there.
ReplyDeleteLinda
Janine, very courageous and loving words to your sister. I'm very confident she has forgiven you, but you'll need to work on forgiving yourself. We both know losing a parent and a sibling is something we'll never get over, but can only do our best to carry on. Travel safe and know you have family and friends who love you and your beautiful family.
ReplyDeleteRobert