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| Inside Jennifer's Casket |
I just have a bunch of religious questions that I need to search for answers to in order for me to fully comprehend what has just happened. This experience has been more difficult that I ever thought possible. I will be honest and say that I just can't get my head around the fact that Jennifer has died. That I could live for another 50+ years with out my sister. Is there really a heaven? It's something that I just can't rationalize yet. I know it's going to take me some time, but it has also brought me to a searching for answers.
Until then, I thought I would share the talk I gave on Saturday to Jennifer as I said good-bye.
My name is Janine Hughes, and Jennifer was my big sister. I say that because she always referred to me as her little sister, even up to adulthood, which always made me chuckle. So in kind today only, I will refer to her as one of my big sisters. (laugh)
Monday morning I had just arrive to work and was just preparing for my busy day when my mom called me. She NEVER calls me this early so I knew something wasn’t good. I actually thought it was an uncle or something. But she said 3 words to me. JENNIFER PASSED AWAY. I think I had to make my mom say it to me several times because I couldn’t have heard what she just said. I wasn’t expecting the emotions nor the reactions that were about to come. Jennifer had been struggling for a few years with her health and we as a family had discussed this very scenario, but never in my mind would I think it was going to really happen. When I got off the phone with mom, I lost it. My poor co-workers rushed into my office and try as they may to console me at this point my emotion at my sister was ANGRY. Why did you die? Why did you do this? WHY??? Then as quickly as I was angry at Jennifer I was angry at myself. I keep a family blog, and I think this best explains my feelings on losing my sister, and I think it something I would like to share with all of you because this experience has taught me a very important lesson already.
I added the blog post about Jennifer's death at this point. GO HERE to read.
My family and I live in the Dallas Texas area now, but I had the opportunity right after I married my husband in late 2004 to move to Las Vegas for about 5 years. I am not sure if I ever told Jennifer the real reason why we decided to move here, so I guess now would be a good time. Not only did we move here so my husband could try to forge a better relationship with his mom who lives here, but because I wanted to build a stronger relationship with Jennifer. We could have moved anywhere, but my husband and I felt we needed this time with our families and for that I will be forever grateful. When we first moved to Vegas we were staying with my husband’s brother and family about 2 minutes away from Jennifer’s family. I loved seeing my nephews, and I also loved being able to spend time with Jennifer. She took me to her church activities (of course introducing me as her little sister) and I also just hung out with them.In May of 2008, I had my son Michael and went through a rough adjustment. And who was right there without being asked? Jennifer. When I was struggling to adjust to being a new mom without sleep. Who dropped everything to come help me? Jennifer. When I was struggling with breast feeding my newborn who came to help me EVERY DAY? Jennifer. When our babysitter called off sick, who took Michael without hesitation? Jennifer. I almost thought she wasn’t going to give him back. Lol
I was very lucky to have those 5 years while living here to spend with her and her family. To really get to know the boys, Jorge and most of all my sister.
When I was asked to talk today my mind went blank about ANY memories of our growing up years. BLANK. Nothing was coming to my mind, so I thought I would dig out my childhood journal and jog my memory. My husband and I got a big laugh because I didn’t write ANYTHING positive or happy in that journal. Reading it Tuesday night was pretty hilarious actually. If I knew then what I know now, it would be chalk full of GOOD memories of things we did, where we went, crushes on boys but it’s full of – I am going to change the words because we are in church(laugh) – “ Why is Jennifer reading my journal…. “
That idea to jog my memory didn’t help, so I got on the phone with Janette who was having the same struggles as me with our memory. I know it’s just because of this week and the shock of losing Jennifer, because I know I have a bunch of memories.
So I am going to share some scripture which is going to shock the crap out of Jenn because this is not me, and it was always something I admired about Jennifer. Her faith in the gospel and in the church has never waivered.
My brothers and sisters, we know that death is not the end. This truth has been taught by living prophets throughout the ages. It is also found in our holy scriptures. In the Book of Mormon we read specific and comforting words:
“Now, concerning the state of the soul between death and the resurrection—Behold, it has been made known unto me by an angel, that the spirits of all men, as soon as they are departed from this mortal body, yea, the spirits of all men, whether they be good or evil, are taken home to that God who gave them life.
“And then shall it come to pass, that the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow.”
I have great faith that the Lord called Jennifer home for a reason. We may not understand that reason today, next month or even next year.
Death eventually comes to all humankind. It comes to the aged as they walk on faltering feet. Its summons is heard by those who have scarcely reached midway in life’s journey, and often it hushes the laughter of little children. Death is one fact that no one can escape or deny.
Frequently death comes as an intruder. It is an enemy that suddenly appears in the midst of life’s feast, putting out its lights and gaiety. Death lays its heavy hand upon those dear to us and at times leaves us baffled and wondering. In certain situations, as in great suffering and illness, death comes as an angel of mercy. But for the most part, we think of it as the enemy of human happiness.
The darkness of death, however, can ever be dispelled by the light of revealed truth.
“I am the resurrection, and the life,” spoke the Master. “He that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live:
“And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die.”
This reassurance—yes, even holy confirmation—of life beyond the grave could well provide the peace promised by the Savior when He assured His disciples: “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”
To Josh and Jonah – I know without a doubt that your mom loved you both with everything that she was. I know without a doubt that she would have loved nothing more that to be here with you right now to help you grow into the strong young men that you will become.
To Jorge – I know Jennifer loved you and you her. I can’t pretend to know what you’re going through and the road that lies ahead of you.
But I do know this Jorge, Josh and Jonah you are not alone. Jennifer will be with you in your hearts and even in presence. Jennifer will be watching over all you as she did while in life.
And I promised my sister that if anything happened to her or Jorge, that I will be there for her boys. I talked to them yesterday, and I want to say it here again. Even though I may be far by distance, I am not far enough away to not honor my sister’s request of me. I am honored she had the faith in me to be what she now obviously is not here to finish. I want to be an extension of her to her boys and welcome her family into mine.
Now I lay me down to Sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.
I LOVE YOU Jennifer.
Amen
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